Ghost Hunter Parody
by Goldenears
Summary: A Parody I made of the Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. It takes place just after Oath Breaker. Wow. I didn't expect it to go on so long. Well, this has definitely been a fulfilling experience. Hope it was enjoyed by all. Or at least most.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I obviously don't own anything even slightly related to The Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. An author writing a parody of his own books is like making fun of himself.

This is a story I thought up a while ago. The description sums it up.

Torak was very happy when he woke up. He felt like

going to see Wolf. "Hey Renn,"

Ren: What is it now Torak?

Torak: Want to go visit Wolf?

Renn shrugs indifferently. "

Renn: I've got nothing better to do. Just don't embarrass me.

So they went to find Wolf.

Torak: Hey Renn, where do you think he is anyway?

Renn: Umm, Torak... I think he and his mate set up a den on the other side of the river."

Torak: What makes you think that?

Renn: Umm... Torak they're right over there. Look, he's been barking at you for the past half-hour."

Torak: Aye, Raven Clan is known for being clever.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER

Torak: Hey Wolf were are the cubs?

Wolf: Oh hi Torak, yeah, I dropped them in the deep river, they needed to learn how to swim.

Wolf's Mate: You idiot, there only cubs!!! They'll drown!!!

Wolf: Oops. Well I guess we need more cubs.

Wolf's Mate: Oh no you don't find the ones you lost.

Wolf: Ah you never let me have any new stuff.

MEANWHILE

Cub 1: What the hell did dad do!?! Now we're lost, cold wet and we survived because dad stupid enough to drop us on a freaking rock!!!

Cub 4: Why is the author skipping to cub four? I mean it's not like we have names of anything, he could just have called me cub two, who would have known. Another thing why didn't our parents name us.

Cub 2: They did. They called us cub one cub two cub three and cub four. At least that's what dad called us.

Cub 3: Shut back there I hear cubs.

Cub 1: Of course you hear cubs, there are four cubs right here.

Cub 3: No idiot, I mean other cubs.

Cub 26: Hey there. How did you get here.

We were dumped here by our idiot dad who said we had to lean how to swim.

Cub 3: Wait, was your dad named Wolf by some human who didn't realize how awkward it would be talking to other wolves?

Cub 26: Yes.

Cub 3: And did your father, named Wolf, follow a human named Torak on his pointless and stupid adventures that nobody gained anything from?

Cub 26: Yes...

Cub 3: I think... we're siblings.

Cub 26: I know.

Cub 2: So ummm, how many cubs did dad have exactly?

Cub 26: As far as I know, only four hundred.

Cub 2: Four hun- and he dropped them all in the deep river?

Cub 26: Nooo... he threw a couple over a cliff saying they had to learn how to fly.

Cub 1: He really was and idiot wasn't he?

Every other cub: Yes.

MEANWHILE

Wolf: Torak I need you to find my cubs.

Torak: No way do it yourself.

Wolf: Torak remember the time I was trapped in that cave, and you saved me and nearly died to help me? Well you owe me for that.

Torak: Ummmmm. Wolf not really. I think you owe me for that. But I'll do it anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. If I did there would be a lot more tragedy in it.

Wolf: So, um, mate?

Wolf's Mate: I have a name you know.

Wolf: Actually, you don't. Anyways, I was wondering if cubs need to learn how to swim in lava.

Wolf's Mate: Of course not! What would make you think that.

Wolf: Um, well, I knew that I didn't learn everything I was supposed to when I was a cub, and I want to make sure our cubs know everything they need to.

Wolf's Mate: Wolf! The only volcano anywhere near here is hundreds of miles away. In any case, nobody can survive swimming in lava.

Wolf: Oh, well, oops. Um, I won't dump anymore cubs into the volcano.

Wolf's Mate: Wolf! You du- you- how- wha- … Oh nevermind.

MEANWHILE

Torak: So, Renn, where do you think they are.

Renn: Torak, I think they're dead.

Torak: Yeah, but other than that.

Renn: Torak, there really isn't any point in finding them if they're dead.

Torak: Yeah but where do you think they are.

Renn: (Sighs) They're probably just a bit further down the river.

MEANWHILE

Cub 3: Do you know how to get back to the den?

Cub 43: If we did, do you think that we'd still be here?

Cub 3: I guess not.

Cub 4: I just realized that this is my first line.

Cub 3: So what are we going to do?

Cub 67: Well, we were all in the deep river right?

Cub 3: Yes…

Cub 67: Then all we need to do is follow the river back up until we come to the den.

Cub 3: That sounds… logical. Lets do it!

MEANWHILE

Torak: (Who just got back to Wolf's den) We can't find them. But don't worry. These things always turn up when you don't expect them to. Why, just a few days ago I was looking for my left sock and it turned out to be in Renn's hat.

Renn: How the hell did it get in there?

Torak: Renn, remember that night when we got drunk and sort of got carried away…

Renn: (Who is reasonably red by this point) Torak, I thought we swore not to talk about this.

Torak: Oops.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. I'm sure Michelle Paver has enough to do without writing parodies of his own work.

Cub 3: I think we're getting close.

Cub 1: Actually, I think that there's a flood coming.

Cub 4: Are you kidding me? There was already a flood in Outcast. Nobody would be uncreative enough to reuse the original author's ideas.

Mysterious Figure: Except for me!

Cub 3: Who are you?

Mysterious Figure: I'm the author of this parody. And I'm proud of it!

Cub 4: Seriously? Not many author's that put themselves in parodies turn out to be very good.

Mysterious Figure: (Takes of his cape to reveal that he is a large, black cat with golden colored ears.

Cub 3: Omg!!! I can't believe we mistook a cat for a human!!!

Cub 4: A CAT!!! GET IT!!!

Goldenears / Grasswisker: What!!! You dare try and eat me!!!

Cub 4: Hey, we're wolves. We eat cats. It's just the way things are.

(At this point I would prefer to go by Goldenears, so I will)

Goldenears: (Flicks his tail.)

(Suddenly, balloons start falling from the sky.)

(All the wolves start running in circles in fear.)

Goldenears: If you're so terrified, why are you running in circles?

Cub 4: Hey, we're wolves. We run in circles. It's just the way things are.

Cub 3: I'm starting to think that you get too many lines. You're just screwing things up.

Cub 2: Yeah, it's my turn.

Cub 4: (Disappears and reappears in the raven camp)

Cub 2: Finally. And now to you Mr. Flood.

Mr. Flood: Goosh, sploosh, splash, woosh.

(The flood comes and every single cub, other than cub 3 is swept up and drown. Then they come back to life in Greenland.)

Cub 1: Some afterlife.

MEANWHILE

Cub 3: Idiots, never go into the light.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I. Don't. Own. Chronicles. Of. Ancient. Darkness… Do I actually need to write this every time? Because honestly, it's getting tricky keeping it the funny side.

Wolf's Mate Who I just remembered is called Darkfur: Cubs, you're home!

Cub 3: Sorry Mom… It's just me.

Darkfur: What, but what happened to the rest of them?

Cub 3: They were drowned in a flood.

Darkfur: What? But, Michelle Paver already used the flood idea in outcast. Nobody would be uncreative enough to reuse the original author's ideas.

Cub 3: You haven't met Goldenears.

Darkfur: Wait, you mean, the author actually put himself into the story? I thought he had better taste and talent.

Cub 3: Are you kidding me? His punishment to Cub 4 was to send him to one of the most pro-wolf places known to the Open Forest.

Darkfur: You mean the Raven Camp?

Cub 3: Yeah, see? Even you could guess where Goldenears sent him.

Darkfur: Yeah, even that uncreative couch-potato Torak probably could have guessed.

Cub 3: You know, I can't help but feel that this conversation has been cut and pasted from the earlier chapters of this story.

Darkfur: (Gasps) He wouldn't sink that low. Would he?

Cub 3: Ummm, maybe.

Wolf: Hey everybody! Hey, you there. What's your name kiddo?

Cub 3: …

Darkfur: Wolf!!! That's your own cub!!!

Wolf: Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhhhh. Sorry. I've just had so many cubs, I can't remember what they look like.

Goldenears: (Who suddenly appears in a puff of smoke) Did I hear somebody dising, my writing?

Because I'm lasy, I'm going to end this here. But, I would really appreciate it if anybody who is bored enough to read this would please review me and tell me if you rather or rather not that I put myself in the story in the form of a cat. All reviews will be put into consideration. I'm kinda on the fence either way.

I just realized that this is actually embarrassingly short. Sorry. What can I say? I'm slipping.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Oh, by the way. From now on, I'll only write when I have something good to write, so that I don't bore all of you guys away.

Torak: (Who just ran up behind them) Sorry I'm late.

Renn: Late for what?

Torak: The meeting to decide what to do with Cub 4.

Renn: Ummm, Torak, we're not going to do anything with Cub 4. Who told you we were?

Since I didn't get any reviews (Glares) I am not going to put Goldenears in this story anymore. I figure it seems kind of stupid.

Torak: Goldenea- I mean no one. I just guessed.

Renn: Well, we aren't going to anything about the cub. I was just having an espresso. Fin-Keddin was reading to the elderly and Eostra is taking a nap in the sun.

Oh by the way, I've read Ghost Hunter now, so I hope you realize how badly Michelle Paver knows her own books. She wrote it completely wrong. Read mine instead. It's much more accurate.

Torak: I want an espresso.

Renn: Oh no. No, you have enough energy with you're ADHD and Dyslexia. You know, you should try out for a Rick Riordan character. You'd do very nicely as Percy Jackson.

Torak: What's a "Percy Jackson"?

Renn: You're not one for literature are you?

Torak: Dyslexic, remember, I've only read three books in my entire life. And two of them had pop-out flaps.

Renn: What's a pop-out flap?

Torak: You're not one for Dr. Seuss are you?

Renn:...

Torak: What?

Renn: Um, Torak, you read Dr. Seuss?

Torak: Oh yeah, they're really exciting, with all of the red fish and blue fish and …..

(Does anyone really care for Torak quoting Dr. Seuss? I didn't think so.)

* * *

I'd better get some reviews this time. I'm not posting again until someone reviews. Once I see that some on has reviewed I'll get right on it.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. Except Mr. Flood.

Thanks for all the complementary reviews guys. Oh, and RennOfRavenClan, it's a really good thing you reminded me about the whole "Once I see somebody has reviewed I'll get right on it" deal. I almost forgot.

* * *

Cub 3: Wolf, where are we going.

Wolf: I'm going to teach you how to fly.

Cub 3: Um, Wolf, I'm not sure I want to learn how to fly.

Wolf: Call me papa.

Cub 3: Okaaaaay, no.

Wolf: Yes

Cub 3: No

Wolf: Yes

Cub 3: Yes

Wolf: No

Cub 3: Fine

Wolf: Huh........

(Suddenly Cub 3 jumps on top of his father and Wolf falls asleep for no reason)

Cub 3: Okay. I though it would be a bit more difficult than that.

(With that, Cub 3 runs down the hill faster than... no pretty much just as fast as a wolf)

Cub 3: Darkfur, Darkfur, Wolf tried to kill me again!

Darkfur: What! No... I told him... I don't think he's a fit father!!!

Cub 3: Oh my god! Really! How did you guess? Was it the fact that he threw hundreds of innocent cubs into a river or the fact he tried to throw me off a cliff or the fact that he almost killed me yesterday trying to get the remote!?!

Darkfur: Sort of all three.

(Wolf and Darkfur and Cub 3 all sit together in the court)

Fin-Keddin: Okay. So, Darkfur. You do not believe that Wolf is fit to be a father to young...(Whispers to a member of the jury)... Cub 3. You know, that's a really nice name. You should really- (Fin-Keddin is cut off by Darkfur)

Darkfur: No your honor. I don't think that he is a suitable influence on my cub.

Fin-Keddin: (Who's face is completely blank) Umm, excuse me?

Darkfur: I said that I don't want him around my cub.

Fin-Keddin: All I hear is bark-bark bark-bark bark-bark.

Torak: She says she thinks Wolf is a bad father.

Fin-Keddin: Thank you. Why couldn't you just tell me that Darkfur?

Darkfur: (Growls)

Cub 3: Mom, don't hurt the judge. He might give Wolf partial custody.

(Darkfur immediately stops growling)

Fin-Keddin: Why don't you think that Wolf is a suitable father.

Darkfur: Well, first off, he threw hundreds of his cubs into the river, second-

Fin-Keddin: (Who suddenly has no trouble understanding Darkfur at all) you've had hundreds of cubs?

Wow. What a slut.

Darkfur: Excuse me!!!

Fin-Keddin: Nothing, never mind.

Darkfur: (Glares at Fin-Keddin)

Fin-Keddin: Do you deny the charges Wolf?

Wolf: What charges?

(Three hours pass as everyone tries to explain thing to Wolf.)

Wolf: Oh. Nope. So, what does it matter. I was trying to teach my cubs to swim. What's wrong with that?

Fin-Keddin: Wolf, if you don't deny the charges, you'll never see you cub or your mate again.

Wolf: So. Wait, does this mean we can't still... well you know?

Darkfur: Obviously not Wolfie.

Wolf: Damn.

Fin-Keddin: Fine. If you don't deny the charges then... (sigh) I give Darkfur sole custody, and you have to live out your life in utopia where hundreds of female wolves serve you anything you want. (He smacks the hammer) adjourned.

Wolf: Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Wow, I should try singing at the opera in utopia.

* * *

Well, that's the end. Of the chapter. For now. Unfortunately, for you anyways, I will not invoke the ancient "as soon as I see somebody has reviewed I'll get right on it" rule. Therefor, I will wait as long as I feel like before writing again. Which will probably be about two days. Sigh.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. At least, I don' think I do. I probably don't.

Sorry it took so long for me to write. My computer crashed. I probably won't be writing much until my laptop comes. That'll be about three weeks. My computer is breaking down and I don't think it'll be around much longer.

Torak: Wolf! Wolf!

Wolf: Torak! I can't believe they let you over the border into Utopia.

Torak: Well, they didn't specifically "let" me over the border. I had to…. Well, never mind. How're things over in Utopia?

Wolf: Okay. I miss cub three and Darkfur though.

Torak: Well then you should have denied the charges.

Wolf: What charges?

(Three hours pass as Torak tries to explain things to Wolf.)

Wolf: Oh, no. I was trying to teach my cubs how to swim. What's wrong with that?

Torak: Wolf, I'm starting to think that you're an idiot.

Wolf: No I'm not!

Torak: Well, Wolf, it's either you or the author, and I don't think he's an idiot.

Wolf: Of course he's an idiot. Who else would copy and paste dialog from earlier parts of the story and only make minor changes?

Torak: Actually Wolf, I think you're right. For once.

Wolf: Of course I am.

Meanwhile

Darkfur: Okay Cub 3. Now that your father isn't here to argue with me, I'm going to rename you.

Cub 3: Finally. I hope I get a really cool name.

Darkfur: I name you… Pebble.

Cub 3: (Sigh) Okay mom. Pebble it is.

Wolf: Pebble! That's a stupid name.

Pebble: Oh, and "Wolf" isn't.

Wolf: *Pwned*

Pebble: Why did you just say pwned?

Wolf: Because you dissed me. That what you're supposed to do when someone disses you.

Pebble: I thought that you were supposed to come up with a comeback.

Wolf: That's only if you're smart enough to come up with one.

Pebble: (Consider's this for a second then nods) Why the hell are you here anyways. I thought we had a restraining order, mom.

Darkfur: We do. (Picks up a phone and dials 911) yes police. Yes. Yes we do have a restraining order. Yes. Fin-Keddin. F-I-N K-E-D-D-I-N. Yes he is. Yes you can see it. Well you need to come over here first. Yup. Okay. Bye.

Pebble: Mom, I don't think we're supposed to call 911 if someone who you have a restraining order comes within thirteen feet of you.

Darkfur: I didn't call the police for that. I called because he has threatened your life seven times in the past month. I wanted back-up before I took him on myself.

Pebble: You two are going to fight! I want to see this. (Gets popcorn and sits down on a couch.)

(The police arrive and the fight began. Pebble turned on Eye of the Tiger as they fought. The fight lasted for thirty days and thirty nights, or five minutes, whichever sounds more likely.)

Darkfur: I got you Wolf. You'll never harm my family ever again.

Wolf: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and you're dumb dog.

Darkfur: Um, Wolf, that makes no sense.

Wolf: I know. Who cares.

Well, that's the end of this chapter. I wrote this on my dad's laptop, so I'll only be able to write on weekends for the next couple of weeks.

Happy Halloween. I might erase that. It depends on whether I write again between now and Halloween.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. At least, I don' think I do. I probably don't.

Sorry it took so long for me to write. My computer crashed. I probably won't be writing much until my laptop comes. That'll be about three weeks. My computer is breaking down and I don't think it'll be around much longer.

Torak: Wolf! Wolf!

Wolf: Torak! I can't believe they let you over the border into Utopia.

Torak: Well, they didn't specifically "let" me over the border. I had to…. Well, never mind. How're things over in Utopia?

Wolf: Okay. I miss cub three and Darkfur though.

Torak: Well then you should have denied the charges.

Wolf: What charges?

(Three hours pass as Torak tries to explain things to Wolf.)

Wolf: Oh, no. I was trying to teach my cubs how to swim. What's wrong with that?

Torak: Wolf, I'm starting to think that you're an idiot.

Wolf: No I'm not!

Torak: Well, Wolf, it's either you or the author, and I don't think he's an idiot.

Wolf: Of course he's an idiot. Who else would copy and paste dialog from earlier parts of the story and only make minor changes?

Torak: Actually Wolf, I think you're right. For once.

Wolf: Of course I am.

Meanwhile

Darkfur: Okay Cub 3. Now that your father isn't here to argue with me, I'm going to rename you.

Cub 3: Finally. I hope I get a really cool name.

Darkfur: I name you… Pebble.

Cub 3: (Sigh) Okay mom. Pebble it is.

Wolf: Pebble! That's a stupid name.

Pebble: Oh, and "Wolf" isn't.

Wolf: *Pwned*

Pebble: Why did you just say pwned?

Wolf: Because you dissed me. That what you're supposed to do when someone disses you.

Pebble: I thought that you were supposed to come up with a comeback.

Wolf: That's only if you're smart enough to come up with one.

Pebble: (Consider's this for a second then nods) Why the hell are you here anyways. I thought we had a restraining order, mom.

Darkfur: We do. (Picks up a phone and dials 911) yes police. Yes. Yes we do have a restraining order. Yes. Fin-Keddin. F-I-N K-E-D-D-I-N. Yes he is. Yes you can see it. Well you need to come over here first. Yup. Okay. Bye.

Pebble: Mom, I don't think we're supposed to call 911 if someone who you have a restraining order comes within thirteen feet of you.

Darkfur: I didn't call the police for that. I called because he has threatened your life seven times in the past month. I wanted back-up before I took him on myself.

Pebble: You two are going to fight! I want to see this. (Gets popcorn and sits down on a couch.)

(The police arrive and the fight began. Pebble turned on Eye of the Tiger as they fought. The fight lasted for thirty days and thirty nights, or five minutes, whichever sounds more likely.)

Darkfur: I got you Wolf. You'll never harm my family ever again.

Wolf: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and you're dumb dog.

Darkfur: Um, Wolf, that makes no sense.

Wolf: I know. Who cares.

Well, that's the end of this chapter. I wrote this on my dad's laptop, so I'll only be able to write on weekends for the next couple of weeks.

Happy Halloween. I might erase that. It depends on whether I write again between now and Halloween.


	9. Sorry for the Inconvenience

I'm really sorry about the whole "two chapters are alike" thing. I made a mistake when uploading and I sort of labeled chapter 7 as chapter eight or something like that. I'm afraid I won't be able to do anything about it until the weekend, when my dad brings the laptop back. It's probably still in the Recycle Bin. I'll dig it up on Saturday and fix this whole mess.

Again, sorry for the inconvenience. I'll fix it as soon as I get the chance. And again, happy Halloween.


	10. The Real Chapter 8

Disclaimer: You know, I really think that the Philip's CDI isn't actually as bad as everybody makes it out to be. I mean I don't own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness.

Torak: So, Wolf, what was with the Scooby Doo reference in chapter 7?

Wolf: How am I supposed to know why the author does anything.

Torak: I guess.

(The two went for a walk around Utopia and met a coven of vampire who might be from a bestselling novel)

Vampire who might be from a bestselling novel 1: God, I'm thirsty. Hey look, a wolf and a monkey. Snack time.

Vampire who might be from a bestselling novel 2: Edward, you know how I feel about drinking wolf.

Vampire who might be from a bestselling novel 3: Oh come on Bella, you know it's not the same thing.

Bella: Fine. But I'm not drinking wolf.

Edward: Fine, (sigh) Carlisle, where's the nearest forest?

Carlisle: Just two miles.

(The vampires run off into the distance.)

Torak: A monkey? Where?

Wolf: A Wolf? Where?

Torak: Um, Wolf, I think you're the Wolf. Now where's that monkey.

You know, I think that if it weren't for the fact that I haven't made fun of twilight yet, I probably wouldn't publish something this short.

Happy Halloween. Again. Sorry if this is starting to sound cheesy.


	11. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I am Michelle Paver. I own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. Tremble at my all consuming power! Sigh, if only.

(One day Torak, for no reason at all, felt like going to the zoo.)

Torak: Wolf, let's go to the zoo.

Wolf: No! I'm too busy being perfect in everyway and also being a negligent father at the same time!... Nevermind, let's go.

(So they went to the zoo, which consisted of a huge lake inside a enormous fence.)

Generic Tour Guide: - and this our feral cat exhibit.

(As everybody watched, two cats, one orange and one dark tabby brown, ran past, fur standing up.)

Orange Cat: I'll get you some day Tigerstar!!!

Tigerstar: In your dreams Orange cat!

Orange cat: That was the part when you were supposed to say my name so that the author can stop calling me Orange cat and start calling me my name!

Tigerstar: I know. See how evil I am?

Orange cat: No way! You can't possibly that evil!

Tigerstar: Oh yes I can! Just watch!

Orange cat: No! Say Firestar!

Goldenears: Oh, now you've done it! You ruined the beautiful joke I've been working on all week!

Firestar: Finally! My name!

Goldenears: OMG! You actually upset me enough to make me appear in my own story again! How dare you? If it weren't for the fact that it would ruin the point of the story completely, I would do something that would either be extremely painful or humiliating or both at the same time.

Firestar: You don't mean…

Goldenears: Yes. I would actually write the warriors plotline properly. In which Tigerstar would be dead, but a stupid ghost, and you would be a secondary character. And, we find out that only one Thunderclan medicine cat managed to not break the warrior code in some way or another. And that would be, Cinderpelt… Wait, she broke the warrior code when she lied to Bluestar about the two Shadowclan warriors she was helping. Okay, so, only one medicine cat who managed to not break the code about taking a mate.

(Oh, and for all those warrior fans out there, yes, I'm sorry, but this will be my only Warrior reference. Probably. But, I do have plans for a actually warriors parody soon, so keep your fingers crossed.)

(So, something dramatic happens between Firestar and Tigerstar. Something so dramatic that I end the chapter right here. Mostly because if I don't end this here, I won't be able to upload it until next weekend at the soonest. Don't worry. My computer will come soon. Then, be prepared for update galore, as I have yet to get a life, I spend most of my free time thinking up the next chapter.)

Warriors for ever!!!


	12. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: It's about as likely that I own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness as than I own Harry Potter.

(Torak was pretending to have something to do when he realized that instead of pretending to have something to do, he should find something to do.)

Torak: Hey, Renn, can you think of something interesting to do?

Renn: Well, you could read a book-

Torak: No, I mean something interesting.

Renn: (Sigh) why don't you go and set up the reference for this chapter then.

Torak: Great idea!

(So, off went Torak, off on a very long walk. Off to find something to set up the reference for the chapter, making it easier for the author to make this funny. He was just about to give up when WOOSH, some nerdy kid flew over him on a broom.)

Torak: Why are you flying on a broom. That seems really dumb.

Nerdy Kid on a Broom: I'm not nerdy!

Torak: Um (looks at his glasses and unwashed hair) yeah, you do.

Nearly Pretty but not quite girl on a broom: Yeah, actually Harry, you do.

Fat kid on a broom stick: His name is Harry Potter.

Torak: Why thank you fat kid on a broom.

Fat kid on a broom stick: My name is Ron Weasley.

Nearly Pretty put not quite girl on a broom: And my name is Hermione Granger.

Torak: You all have really dumb names, did you know that?

Harry Potter: Yeah, we know.

Turkey: Goble goble goble...

Torak: What the heck is a turkey doing here.

Harry Potter: Oh, yeah, I used to have a pet owl, but she was hit by a jet. So I got a turkey to replace her.

Torak: If I pretend that that makes any sense, will you do something funny?

Harry Potter: Okay.

(Suddenly, some really old guy with white hair comes along and starts making out with Ron)

Torak: Dear god! Shouldn't that elder be married by now?

Hermione: What,Dumbledore? Are you kidding? He's too awesome to be married.

Torak: Be that as it may, the sight of them kissing is burning my retinas.

Harry: Fine. Dumbledore, sit!

(Dumbledore immediately stops making out with Ron and sits down on the ground, tongue out, starring at Harry intently.)

Torak: I thought you had a pet.

Harry: He's not really my pet, he's just so lovable that we couldn't bare to leave him behind.

Torak: Un hun. I'm going to have to ask you to leave now. I need to find something funny before I finish this chapter, or else the author will kill me.

Harry: Fine, we need to get back to J.K. Rowling anyway.

Torak: See you geek.

(So Torak went to find a good reference for the chapter, even though he just had.)

Torak: Huh, there's not as much to New York as I heard.

(Suddenly, a green goo ghost flew by. Then cool them music started playing.)

Ghostbuster 1: Get the trap set up tommy. I'll distract the ghost.

Ghostbuster 3: Why is the author skipping to ghostbuster 3, it's not like we have names or anything

he could have just called me Ghostbuster 2 and nobody would have noticed.

Torak: I can't help but think we've heard this before.

* * *

Unfortunately, I'm too lazy to finish this chapter properly. Now that I have my laptop, things will probably be going at about twice their normal speed. So, if I still have any fans out there, be prepared to laugh. Probably.


	13. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all. I really ought to create something new so that I can say that I own something. But I'm not smart enough.

Now, back to Torak, trying to find a way to make the chapter funny.

Torak: I really hope that I can find something funny.

(Suddenly, a giant black raven swooped down and turned into a guy with icy blue eyes and long white hair.)

Guy with icy blue eyes with long white hair: Oh my god, the author really thinks the audience is an idiot. If anybody has read Pendragon, they've probably figured out who I am by now. And if they have, then why would they even care what you call me. 'Guy with icy blue eyes and long hair', geez.

Goldenears: Don't diss my stuff. Just don't, or you'll pay.

Torak: I wonder if this counts as funny.

Goldenears: I really don't know. I'm not sure what's funny in the normal world. I'm still stuck in the Cyber-World. I really should get off the computer and out and talk to people once in a while.

Torak: Yeah, but, I mean, how do we know if this is funny or not? I mean, if you keep on going, then this might seem redundant. Yet, if you end it soon, then it'll be too short _and_ it might not be funny. I suggest that you keep on reading.

Goldenears: You don't sound like Torak. You sound like you're smart. That's weird.

Torak: Actually, I was trying to be funny. I guess it didn't work.

Goldenears: No, no it wasn't.

Torak: Wow, thanks for that. Now I feel stupid.

Goldenears: Good, you are stupid.

Torak: You know what you're doing?

Goldenears: What?

Torak: You're being a bully.

Goldenears: You know what?

Torak: What?

Goldenears: You're too old to be saying the word bully.

Torak: There you go again. Being stupid and immature.

Saint Dane: (You've probably realized that the guy with ice blue eyes and long white is Saint Dane.) I'm still here you know.

Goldenears and Torak: We know!

Torak: owe me a pop.

Goldenears: See, there you go again. Being immature.

Torak: (Sticks out tongue.)

Goldenears: And again.

Torak: (Sticks fingers in his ears)

Goldenears: And again...

Torak: (Starts jumping up and down and throwing a temper tantrum.)

Goldenears: Are you trying to prove me _right?_


	14. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: If I own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness, then Micheal Jackson is alive and made of gold.

See, I told you these things would come faster once I had my laptop. Now, back to the plot, no references.

Darkfur: I love watching What Not to Wear with you ,Pebble.

Pebble: Yeah, well, sure. I love it too ,mom.

Darkfur: Are you being sarcastic with me? If you don't like What Not to Wear, then we could watch GlobalTV or something.

Pebble: Okay, mom. In dog\wolf years, I am ten. I should be watching Spongebob Squarepants, not What Not to Wear and the news.

Darkfur: That doesn't sound healthy. What's a "Spongebob"?

Pebble: Mom, maybe you should take a course on being a mom or something. I'm sure they're out there.

Darkfur: Yes, I understand. You need a mom who knows about being a mom. I'm going to be that mom. Now, go eat you squirrel.

Pebble: Mom, you're doing it again. You're supposed to cook it first.

Darkfur: Oops. Sorry Pebble. I'll get right on it.

Meanwhile

Wolf: Hey, Torak, when are you and Renn getting married.

Torak: Um, Wolf, Renn and I aren't in a relationship of any kind.

Wolf: Sure "_right."_

Torak: No, Wolf, we're not.

Wolf: _Right._

Torak: Yeah, right.

Wolf: ..._Right._

Torak: Shut up Wolf.

Wolf: No.

Torak: Yes.

Wolf: No.

Torak: Yes.

Wolf: No.

Torak: No.

Wolf: Yes.

Torak: Fine.

Wolf: Huh?

(Then, Torak leaps on top of Wolf and Wolf falls asleep for no reason.)

Torak: I feel like I've heard this before...

And now back to Darkfur and Pebble

Instructor: Now, Ladies and ... Wolves, it's time to work on how to raise a child. The best way to cook dinner is to ask them what they feel like, then find the next healthiest thing. Often they'll say something like Kraft Dinner or hot dogs. A healthy alternative to Kraft Dinner is macaroni and a healthy alternative to hot dogs are hamburgers without cheese. Does anybody have any questions.

Darkfur: My son never asks for those kinds of things, especially hot dogs, he thinks it's cannibalism. He usually asks for stuff like boar and elk, which are very high in fat and cholesterol. Also, sometimes, he asks for very dirty water instead of just regular dirty water. I've told him no but it's hard to resist.

Instructor: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Darkfur: (Under her breath) man, being a wolf mother is tough.

(Darkfur was late getting back home that day from the office. She had stopped to check on her laptop whether it was normal for wolves to use the internet. Turns out that it isn't.)

Darkfur: Pebble!

Pebble: Yeah, mom?

Darkfur: Guess what day it is!

Pebble: We're wolves, we don't have calendars.

Darkfur: It's the first birthday you've had without Wolf being here to do something stupid!

Pebble: Oh, I hadn't thought of that. That's wonderful.

Wolf: Yes it definitely is.

Darkfur: Wolf? What are you doing here?

Wolf: I'm here to do something stupid.

Pebble: Oh no, not again.

(Just then, Wolf accidentally sits on a pine cone, causing him to do a somersault and land in a tree.)

Wolf: Ta Da.

Darkfur: Next year Pebble. Next year.

This is the first time I've asked but please, if you like this, leave some sort of review. I don't care how many people have already reviewed or how long it's been since I updated, just please, review, so I know that I'm not writing crap.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I'm not Michelle Paver in any way. Well, maybe a little, but not much.

Wow, this is like, what, the fourteenth chapter? It feels like yesterday that I wrote the very first one. Actually, it feels like almost a year ago. Huh. My writing is really winding down, so be patient with me, okay?

(Since Pebble's first birthday without Wolf there to screw it up was ruined, Darkfur decided to move so that Wolf couldn't find them.)

Pebble: Mom, what are you doing?

Darkfur: I'm packing up our stuff for the move. Now where is that Fed-Ex truck?

Pebble: Mom, we live in a cave. We barely own anything, why'd you call a Fed-Ex truck?

Darkfur: So that Wolf would actually notice that we're leaving and not coming back. Now where did I put my purse...

Pebble: You don't have- you know what, I'm not even gonna bother. (Walks away)

Darkfur: If you're going outside remember to where a coat. It cold out there.

Pebble: Mom, it's the middle of summer, why would I- okay, you're starting to sound like Wolf.

Darkfur: _Damn, he's on to me..._

Pebble: You really do sound like Wolf... is that a zipper? (Pulls down a the zipper on Wolf's Darkfur costume.)

Wolf: Uh, this isn't what it looks like.

Pebble: Uh-huh.

Wolf: Um...

Voice: Mmmf. Gehh mehh outta this!

Wolf: Oh crap!

Darkfur: How did you manage to tie me up? You don't even have thumbs.

Wolf: I got Torak to do it for me.

Darkfur: Oh. Why would he do that for _you_?

Wolf: I gave him an espresso.

Renn: Bloody wolves.

Darkfur: I've had all I can take, Wolf. Go away.

Wolf: Why?

Darkfur: Because I don't like you.

Wolf: You... don't like ME?

Darkfur: Not really.

Wolf: Oh. I guess I'll just leave you alone then. No point staying around if you don't like me.

Darkfur: Nope. Sorry.

Wolf: That really kinda sucks.

Darkfur: Not for me.

Wolf: You're so mean!

Darkfur: Yeah, well, get over it.

Wolf: Okay.

Well, there's the end of my Ghost Hunter Parody. Horrible ending, if you don't mind me saying. Maybe I'll dig this up again in a little while, when I get bored of my other parody. Until then, try to survive without my exquisite writing.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I don't own Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. That's right. I'm back.

Everybody expected me to die, didn't they. Everybody thought that I was gone, retired, dead, underground. Well… I'm not. I'm back for the beginning of the school year, and boy… I can't wait until I get back into the swing of things. Honestly, I've missed you guys. Yeah, there are quite a few flamers out there, but most of you are decent fan fiction folks, and I really enjoy your reviews. That is, reviews that compliment me and this series, which I've barely put any work into. So here I am.

Now this was my first fic, and sadly, my most successful. I've actually gotten quite a few more negative reviews for my new Warriors series. I'm actually swimming in unfinished projects right now. I have a personal writing project I've been working on for almost a year now, I've got some stuff I'm building up to put on an upcoming resume, and I've got another series that I've started, for the Inheritance Cycle. So prepare for some reading. At the moment, I'm working away from home, so this might not actually be a very good chapter. But at least it's _a _chapter. Right? RIGHT? Well screw you then. Oh, and read my sister's stuff because she's annoying. There. Oh. Right. In case you missed it, my sister is Scarheart13 and she's in the middle of writing Firestar's IQ, a terrible rip-off of my series which she is trying to bring back to life with scary voodoo magic.

I just realized that my sister is sitting right beside me. And that I am starting to get into this, even though I hate the keyboard on this computer. And I also just realized that I just spent nearly half a page for the foreword, which is kind of sad and pathetic, but the longer I keep this up, the less I need to be funny, and the more you guys will read. Although eventually I guess I'll need to write some sort of joke.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Doctor

Doctor Who?

Oh, you've already heard that one then…

And now, the chapter.

(Deep in the forest, where wolves live, and also other animals, except wolves are the only ones we care about because screw you. Also, I just read what I wrote in latest chapter, And I'm very sorry. Awake me feels awful for putting you through such a painful ending. So, to continue writing, Wolf doesn't actually leave Darkfur and Pebble alone, instead, he promises to not touch either her or Pebble everr again.

Wolf: You know, Darkfur, I've been thinking about getting my name changed.

Darkfur (in a very sarcastic tone): Really! Why is that… _Wolf?_

_Wolf (Completely oblivious): Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I happened to be named by a human, who did not realize how awkward it is to be named after your species. Therefor, I have decided to legally change my name… to Dawg'_

_Darkfur (smiles, then laughes, then frowns, then glares at him): I was going to say that that was a funny joke, but you're far too stupid to have made a joke on purpose. So I am going to assume that you are serious, in which case I urge you to not use the name "Dog" as your new name._

_Wolf: Why?_

_Darkfur: Because it's almost as bad as wolf. It's almost the exact same animal._

_Wolf: Ah. I understand your confusion. You see, Wolf isn't a very cool name, is it?_

_Darkfur: Well, I guess not-_

_Wolf: Exactly! I need to be super cool to get around now. So, if I have a name like Wolf, then I`ll never get up there. So my name will be Dawg`_

_Darkfur: You know that pronouncing it like a moron isn't going to make it any cooler. I know that the author is spelling int D-A-W-G, but that doesn't change the fact that you are naming yourself after a domestic animal that, in the future, will be carried around in purses._

_Wolf: Too late. I already changed my name. From now on, the author will be forced to call me Dawg'_

_(From in the distance they hear a gunshot and a scream of agony.)_

_Wolf: I guess that the author found the person who changed my name for me. He's probably dead now._

_(Unfortunately, the author was unable to get to the office in time, so Wolf will be hence forth referred to as Dawg'._

_-Meanwhile, in the Raven Camp-_

_Renn: Have you ever wondered what the wolves are doing when we aren't watching? I bet they do some crazy things that we couldn't even imagine._

_Torak: Nope. They pretty much just sit there. Being a wolf. And sleeping. And sometimes eating. Oh, and breathing. They breathe a lot. Actually, I'm surprised at how much air is left, considering how much wolves breathe. You know, if we got rid of wolves, we would have a lot more air to go around._

_Renn: *Dives into river and almost drowns to escape Torak's rantings.*_

_Torak: Yeah, that's right. Take that wolves. We just need to dump all of their children in a river and then they'll never be able to breathe all of our hard earned air. Wait, wolf already did that. A lot, actually. And it didn't really work. He would need to develop a new evil plan to get all their air back from the evil wolves._

_-To Be Continued-_


End file.
